Tag Archives: satire

A Look Inside the Mind of a Professor of Creative Writing

Truly, professors of creative writing perform a great service. Without their noble efforts, the next generation of literary phenoms would have a difficult time making their name in the literary game. However, you might be surprised by what thoughts run through their heads.

Without further ado, here’s a list of eight thoughts your creative writing professor would never share publicly:

1. You know, come to think of it, I really do think a monkey on a typewriter could write something better.

2. Yeah, a totally illiterate nation seems like a good idea right about now.

3. That’s an interesting sex scene. Obvious virgin.

4. Another story about high school melodrama. I wish they taught them better. Vertical not horizontal.

5. Oh. A disaffected young man in my classroom. I wonder who he will rip off? Bukowski? Hunter S. Thompson? Chuck Palahniuk? Tao Lin? Maybe he’ll be really cerebral and rip off Kerouac!

6. So, it’s a given that the bro with the backwards baseball cap will write in the style of Tucker Max, right?

7. I may not be Raymond Carver, but hey, it could be worse, I could be as bad as my students.

8. I hate my life. Why didn’t I get an MBA?

Stereotypical Writers

I think it’s about time for another fun, satirical post.

Any writer privileged enough to know a few (or more) other writers is bound to have run into one (or more, if you’re particularly unlucky) of these stereotypical writers.

You know these types. They include:

The Drunken Asshole – Misanthropic and near always drunk, they idolize Charles Bukowski and Hunter S. Thompson, and blatantly rip them off in all their writing.

The Goddamn English Major – While able to compose excellent, technically perfect works of literature, their writing is always about the most mundane topics…like the core of an apple. They’re snooty to boot. They will not shut up about the classics, and about how modern fiction has no “weight.”

The Procrastinator – They could actually be a good writer, but they always make some sort of drama in their life. When you ask them what they’ve written lately, they go on for about an hour making justifications for why they’re not writing.

Mr. or Ms. Successful Writer – I’m published. Did you see my latest piece in X journal that you’ve never heard of? Did you know that X press that you’ve never heard of put out my latest book? These types are mildly successful, but judging by their major ego you would assume they’re as successful as Michael Chabon. Avoid these types at literary events at all costs.

The Angry Editor – Quite unsuccessful in their own literary pursuits, they become an editor not to help other writers, but to break them down. They use their position as a means of exacting revenge on the gods of the page.

The Wolf of Wall Street – They usually have little literary talent, but plenty of connections, and always come with a sordid past…and present. Their writing is only mildly entertaining, but because the world is not fair, they get huge advances. You’re not likely to run into them unless you’re popping bottles at the club or know how to cut lines with an AmEx card.

The Hipster – Their writing is nothing but a string of references that the poor, unwashed masses are too stupid to get. You’ll find these types frowning in coffee shops, frowning at indie shows, and swearing that they will be the next Tao Lin when they go home for the holidays.

 

Did I miss any walking stereotypes? Please feel free to comment below. If you found this post funny, please share this post on your social media feeds.

The Top Ten Excuses You Can Use to Justify Not Writing

Hey everyone! Summer vacation is over. The Literary Game is back!

I’ll be getting back to posting serious, content-rich posts geared towards help aspiring writers edit their work, publish their work, and stay sane…tomorrow.

Today, I’m going to have a bit of fun.

We all sometimes slack on our writing. If any other writers try to guilt trip you about it, here’s a list of top ten excuses you can use to justify not writing:

10. I can’t write because my eyes are blurry from staring at rejection letters all night long…and crying.

9. I can’t write because I need an MFA first, because, like, all writers have to have one, right? 

8. I can’t write because I sprained my finger…from typing.

7. I can’t write because there’s a Doctor Who marathon today, my D&D group meets tomorrow, and that old copy of Metroid is coming in the mail in two days.

6. I can’t write because I have to live first. I’ll write in a few years after I’ve amassed enough experience. Ladies, I’m single, I work at Starbucks, and my mother says I’m a snappy dresser. 

5. I can’t write because I like totally love you. Do you know I’m on molly right now? And I love you.

4. My C.O. said I can’t write until after I get off probation.

3. I can’t write until I’m drunk. All writers are drunks, right? I read that in a Bukowski novel, I think. I’m only nineteen, so it’ll just be two years until I can legally become an alcoholic…and a writer.

2. I can’t write until I get famous. What’s the point when the advances are so small? The plan is to go viral first by rapping NWA songs in my tighty whities and uploading them to YouTube. I swear I’ll start writing after Dr. Dre gives me daps. 

1. I can’t write until I get good, which can’t happen until I get my work edited by this dude who runs a blog on WordPress.